awoooo

something happened this weekend...
it's mostly a vent post. i'll readmore it just for the sake of that.
cw for discussion of lolisho (read; porn of underaged characters) and csa/csam (child sexual assault and material)( Read more... )ill be sad about it for a while, probably,
but i'm not entirely alone. i do have other friends, openly pervert friends, who have stood by me thru all this.
the so-called "dangerous crowd" im riding with, that consists entirely of traumatized leftie artists who want to be cute animals on the internet, huh
its just like. pisses me off. like what are we doing here, man...

as with all things tho, all i can do is move on. and keep creating...
im happier now that ive worked on unlearning all that moral ocd, stopped living in agony tearing myself apart over these hypocrisies..
and id rather be friends with people who want to support that healthy mindset instead of ppl who would assume the worst of me.

im taking custody of the otp in the divorce

<_< >_>
i got my period properly, like... how to say...
when i stopped testosterone, my period "came back" in the sense that it took like 9 months to actually wake up and do anything LOL
and then, even still, it was barely spotting.
but it's my first Proper Heavy period since i stopped..... over a year ago.
so i'm like

O(-(

my periods aren't overly heavy or painful. i'm very very lucky!
but i'm also whiny...! LOL
like, it wont even be as painful tomorrow as it was today,
but i don't wanna go so i'm simply not going to.
... LMAO

i think ive skipped once or twice per pay period.
im gonna be very very happy once i get a paycheck without skipping any days.
i figure when it's not so shitty and cold outside i won't have so many problems.
also, i'm thinking about getting an iud,
because having a period is................

the other day, i learned that getting your tubes tied doesn't affect your period.
HUH?
i always joked about getting them tied but i'm not sexually active so...
i only wanted my period to stop!! 😭
when i was younger i took birth control in such a way that i could skip my period,
but having another prescription to keep track of is a pain. so i'm gonna look into iuds.
apparently, even that doesnt fully 100% stop your period.
it *might*, if it lessens your flow, but it might just go back to spotting.
spotting is also a huge pain...

life is pain 😭😭

i'm listening to my friends have a political discussion about the death of capitalism rn.
it's almost 2 am...
and it's making me think about dhurkedatz. LMAO
i miss dhurkedatz so much......... 😭😭😭

Challenge #15

How Did the Fandom Snowflake Challenge Go?

💃💃

good!!! it's! my first snowflake challenge! 👯
and, why i started using dreamwidth! well, kind of. my friend was doing snowflake and i was like,
waittt, that looks kind of fun, so i decided i'd check it out! i thought it'd be a good way to get used to posting!
^_^

i did skip a few challenges but it's like fineeee. i really appreciate the sort of freeform lackadaisical approach to things. i cannot force myself to do anything, at all, so if a challenge didn't appeal to me, it was nice to go "well i don't have to do it!" or drag my feet if i was too tired to think of something lol
as opposed to just... having to bullshit it, or drop out alltogether, you know...
also, i could have done better on commenting on others' posts, but ahh it's haaard. thinking of words is hard enough when i'm writing my own posts LOL
i found myself wishing i had a like button just to show that i appreciated someone's words but didn't have much to share...
but what a fun introduction to the community it was, you know?! i love to lurk and i read so many interesting thoughts!!
and i got to meet some cool new people, too, so that's a success to me!!! :D

since it's my first snowflake i feel like anything is good, you know?!
like maybe next year i'll engage a little more,
but i'm more focused on making sure i'll be here next year! (like here on dw, that is.)
this is just the beginning..... daily/regular posting is easy when there's a challenge to look forward to.
...
.....

maybe i'll try and find another challenge to follow. :p
thank you for hosting snowflake yayyy ^_^
and if you're here from snowflake then hi!! i hope we enjoy each other's company!! :D

i got vaccinated! both covid and flu


O(-(
actually, it doesn't affect me so badly. i might have taken the day off if i didn't earlier,
but it was So So So cold last friday that i simply had no choice but to stay inside.
so alas. i had to work.
which resulted in me fighting for my life in the bathroom as soon as i clocked in. 😭😭
i'm better now tho (healing)

lately i've been listening/watching to a bunch of recorded dj sets?!
it's just Funnn it's Funn theyre having fun at the gigggg.
somehow there's a lot of entertainment value.
like, really good as fuck music choice, and transitions, and the hype, and then sometimes it's
sometimes it's like this.

i genuinely had to turn this off like 5 minutes in because it was so distracting

i've also been playing....did i say this already? animal crossing for gamecube?
playing a little bit every day? it's fun!! i found a mod for it! it's called "animal crossing deluxe" and it's still a wip,
but it adds enough extra content (and QUALITY OF LIFE, MOST IMPORTANTLY) that i've been loving playing it so far.

( talking abt nsfw art )
i have a bunch of people to reply to but i'm soooo. blahhhh.
speaking is too hard. just read my mind ok?
tomorrow there's a nintendo direct for tomodachi new game...
if they don't show same gender couples, someone is going to die. (not a threat)
honestly it will make/break whether i buy the game or not. like, i only have yaoi ships ok, i don't want a game where they cant be yaoi.
if i cant make dhurkedatz canon then there's no point.

Ok goodby love U

Challenge #12

Make an appreciation post to those who enhance your fandom life. Appreciate them in bullet points, prose, poetry, a moodboard, a song... whatever moves you!


i havent done the past couple challenges bc isimply dont want to 🧡 so welcome back snowflake, hiiii
my appreciation..... is for...... :-) older fandom friends specifically.
it's weird how there's a generational divide, huh?! it's inevitable because that's how age works, but it's interesting.
i've been in fandom spaces since i was a wee baby. i mean, like, 12. before then, i didn't understand how fandom worked lol.
but my old tumblr had me following people a couple years older than me (i was a 12.9 year old, sorry </3) .. which happened to cross that generational divide.
so i "grew up" among the people who said shit like ASDFGHJKL; MY OVARIES ARE EXPLODING IM A HIDDLESTONER XD ............LMAO
me, not being into marvel, or men; Omg me tooo my ovariessss 💁‍♀️ anyway im going to go be into minecraft and homestuck 🚶

that's just backstory, though. the thing is, it's weird... because of that generational divide, the "fandom olds" and the newgen who grew up on social justice tumblr, who moved to twitter after the porn ban, stuff like that...
i think there are definitely a lot of people my age and younger who react to the older fans with genuine hostility. which, maybe that's just normal, too. maybe it's very "UGH MOM I DON'T CARE" lmaooo.
(of course it's still not nice, or fair. i think a lot of it crosses over into genuine harassment and harm...)
but i could never fully buy into it, because i was used to the culture of "don't like don't read", you know... i learned a lot of stuff from my older friends back then!
in fandom and in real life!! especially real life. older friends taught me a lot about tolerating things.. and also, a lot of sex ed, which is nice LOL
(i'm talking about tumblr posts, no hands on experience LOL i just got a lot of good info from tumblr!)
and when fandom drama got very, very hostile... i largely lost contact with my older friends over the years, but i always had a few stragglers who kept me grounded in the "hey, this discourse is insane and irrational. you're not a bad person for Enjoying Conflict In Stories" 😭...
or whatever weird moral obsession i was struggling with at the time...

when i think about people who have made my fandom spaces better, honestly, it's those in their thirties and forties who are like. Normal. LOL
or normal as compared to whatever scary shit is happening on tiktok, for example
i mean... that's just aging. that's culture, you know? it changes and you mature and realize shit has never been that serious...
but changing and growing is scary when you don't have anyone to have your back...

incidentally i know there's a lot of people who feel some sort of insecurity about their age..
i'm only 26 (isn't it crazy to say that?! "only", i'm an adult!! LOL but compared to the demographic of dreamwidth, it *is* 'only'!) so maybe my words don't have a lot of weight, but like,
i think the whole anxiety about being 30... well, i think your 30s should kick ass. like. that really feels like the Cool Age to me.
i've had friends who felt anxious about being in fandom spaces at all because she feels too old, like it's creepy to be into stuff at that age..
it's simply not fair. you're still a person, you know?! you still have interests!!
i wonder how much of it is the misogynistic sort of "you should be a wife and mother and nothing else" mindset. probably a lot lol
but i don't think there's anything worth being anxious about... i mean, maybe you won't feel as great on twitter but,
fuck twitter ok no one should be on twitter 🫶 LOL

weird weird post musing on age. i hope i made some sort of sense?!
i just appreciate those in their 30s and 40s and upwards who never left fandom spaces...
thank you for being here!! please continue being here!!!

Challenge #9

Talk about your favorite tropes in media or transformative works. (Feel free to substitute in theme/motif/cliche if "trope" doesn't resonate with you.)

oh man.. rolls up sleeves...
i don't have it in me to look through Trope Websites so ill just yap mindlessly about shit i love YAY

at my core, i love best friend dynamics, basically. 😭peace and love to the angstheads out there, but i am fueled entirely on fluff-and-comedy stuff. almost borderline gen content even in my romantic ships. it's so good to me. i love it when two guys are just being pals. shit like spongebob and patrick or timon and pumbaa... LMAO when i was a kid, i shipped them before i knew what shipping was. it's just good for the soul
so basically everything i love comes from that.

in terms of *tropes*... ohhh who doesnt love a good wound tending, a punk with a heart of gold, a gruff old man with cute gap moe!? or any old people. i just love old people. oh and of course the angry hothead shitty asshole shit mean little bastard mean. asshole. loud. angry. Perfect. i love it. chefs kiss.
-basically any character with a pompadour. i love pompadours they mean the world to me. i read the outsiders at a young age
-more of an art thing than anything but you know what i love and wish manga did more often?! is when they get like, little animal characteristics temporarily, like as part of their chibification, they also get cat ears. SO CUTE
-i'm dipping my toe into liking whump more, but mostly for the sake of "and then their partner finds them and comforts them so much and everyone loves them forever" LMAO i like whump as a way of validating how important and valued someone is...
-i'm not done talkiing about how cute little angry assholes are BC THEYRE SO CUTE. THEY GIVE ME SUCH BAD CUTENESS AGGRESSION. this is kyo fruits basket's fault
-similarly, any sort of animal au/hybrid au, like, turn them into an animal, they have to be an animal. make them an animal for me. I'm just a furry ok 😭
-i read a really good "drunk confession" dhurkedatz fic once and it changed me
-AND tbh i love a bad doctor. i love creepy doctors. NOT like dr hotti, but like, shinra kishitani. people don't do this much anymore either and it's not 100% My Thing but like it's just funnnnn like its sillayyy theyre having funnn
-i love when girls are mean. i love mean girls. ok. but that goes without saying right? i love ore/boku using girls in jp media, i love tomboys who stay tomboys... i love hotheaded mean girls...
-and i especially love when there's no like, added snark or wink to the audience like "see even though i'm a GIRL i'm MASCULINE even though i'm a GIRL im not like those STINKY BOYS ;))" in a way that just undermines everything. you know...
-unrequited love is something i don't love but it keeps happening so i GUESS But like unrequited love where the person accepts it. and is like. 😌this is fine (me, in the background, setting myself on fire)
-TWO GUYS RAISING KIDS TOGETHER?! Like a single dad and his friend who just happens to come over frequently...And gets hit with that "uncle" tag because well you're basically family at this point right..!?AHHFGHH
-And did i mention i love little angry obnoxious shitty asshole guys because i

( nsfw/dead dovey section here o_o )

there is one, the holiest of grails, the dynamic that has been ruling my mind for 6 to 7 godless years, the one i may never recover from
and it is the right hand man/sidekick/best friend/unreasonably devoted lackey character..
like, not just "the yes-man" but "the yes-man who the other person relies on and trusts more than any other character" like. the capable one. you know?! the trusted one!! their Special Guy.
and i have to be very wishy washy with what actually counts as this trope... it's usually like... say, there's one character, and they're given more narrative importance, like they are more significant to the story. and then this person often has like, a best friend. or side character. adjacent pal. their accessory. their right hand arm man their everything their confidant their best friend their silly rabbit LIKE. YOU GET IT? It's usually a placement, i think, so that the more-important character can have development............
but i, am obsessed with that side character. i think that's a good way to put it...
my biggest example is a character very few people know about so LOL but it's datz are'bal who changed my life forever. he is a right hand man legiterally, which is why that phrase broke my brain, but we see more of him than his leader- his leader is more significant to the story though- and datz basically exists as a way to dripfeed information about the leader to the audience without meeting him directly.
but that creates this insane implication where datz is so close to dhurke (his leader) that he Knows All of this about him, and he's like, fondly reminiscing about his kids and how cool dhurke is and Fuckkk it's so much

BUT there's speedwagon! robert eo speedwagon from jjba! not a right hand man outright, but very much a peak example of the kind of character i'm talking about!! because speedwagon is jonathan's like... Loyal Ally. and who supports him when no one else does. and devotes his entire life to uplifting jonathan and standing by his side. it's shit like this!! It drives me fucking crazy!!!! he dropped everything and imprinted on jojo so randomly it cracks me up so bad
to me, most of the appeal comes from that devotion and dedication above all else... so like, a traitorous right hand man isn't it for me. and like it has to be mutual too like the leader/main character has to be nice to their sidekick or else i'm calling the rhm protection agency. it has to come from a place of love- it doesn't have to be romantic (but i will make it romantic) but just. ohh. the "this is a set do not seperate" of it all. the long nights spent in quiet moments together... the parts of each other that no one else sees just because they aren't AROUND... Jumps off a cliff
basically..
if a character fondly calls someone else their partner....
i will be dead, on the ground, deceased, actively decomposing

one week of work DONE officially...!
i was very brave and asked about something that i thought i was doing wrong. and i was doing it wrong.
but no one died and the world went on. BEAUTIFUL

on sunday, i had been making perler sprites for a week!
here are the ones i have so far~
( Read more... )
mostly just random bullshit i found online! one "chiyos dad" pixel (i'm not entirely convinced that's who that is supposed to be but whatever) one nuko emoji, some fuckass hampter, MAMESHIBA, MAMESHIBA (kagurabachi edition), two pokemon party sprites from gen 1, some rando cat and a wing!!
SO FUNNN
today i got four more pegboards so that i can make proper battle sprites and larger pixels, because most of the ones i find end up being just a LITTLE too big for one normal board...
my queue of commissions is dying. don't tell them i'm cheating on them with perlers ok?

truly... i need to get my doctor stuff sorted.... i think whatever provider we go through (online doctorism) is having like, consistent tech issues...
also they're charging me for visits when they should not be charging me. do i look like i have 100 dollars
naturally i only thought about this when i have very few meds left and no refills.
and my meds are the type that will, definitely, Beat my ass to death if i miss like two doses
so
IF I DIE I DIE I GUESS...
oh god i really hope i don't need to go to work while having withdrawals 😭since i just started working there i don't have pto but......
...ok i'll try and get an appointment soon. i can't live like this LOL

~ i don't think i have anything else to say goodbye ilove you

Challenge #6
Top 10 Challenge.

top ten of whatever! if the point is recommendations, then.... here's top ten manga (in no particular order) that i adore!! it's a non exhaustive list, because i can't be expected to remember everything i've enjoyed lol

10; kagurabachi
( Read more... )

9; ichi the witch
( Read more... )

 

8; planet laika
( Read more... )

7; a beast cries in the wilderness 
( Read more... )

6; tales of the hundred monsters next door
( Read more... )

5; sleeping dead
( Read more... )

4; witch hat atelier
( Read more... )
3; beastars 
( Read more... )

2; golden kamuy
( Read more... )

1; dungeon meshi
( Read more... )

with this rec list...
i have made it very clear...
that i fucking suck at recommending things. (nodding emoji)

Write a love letter to fandom. It might be to fandom in general, to a particular fandom, favourite character, anything at all.

hmmmm. hmmmm... to be honest... a *love* letter is kind of...
see, i mean, i don't hate fandom or anything, but... how do you say... it's hard.
coming from a younger generation of fandom is... it's changed i think to how things used to be, and honestly, picking apart what is "fandom" and what is "nonfandom socialization" is hard... like what is fandom vs what is politics vs what is high school culture... lmao
and if i can manage to pare down my scope, to be very specifically About Fandom, it's still.... do i love it? it's hard to say i love it.
i love the friends i've made through fandom but the fandom part is like, incidental at that point. LMAO

i'll be a little insane here and write to a favorite character. :-)
because truly my time in fandom, what drives me to reach out and create art, is not so much "a desire to connect with other fans", but a desire to show others what i see in a character...
the way i feel about datz are'bal is... he's just way too cool. i feel the way about him the way i imagine he feels about dhurke, except like, without the sexual attraction. no offence datz you're just not my type </3
but he's So. Cool. and i just want everyone to know it. and i want to *prove* it. i want to underline his importance in canon, i want to explore any possible interpretation of his character... like i see him as this super sweethearted uncle but someone else might be coming at it from the "cool badass with the typical emotional investment of a 46 yr old man" and its like. well! yes!! Bc he has so much depth...!!!
the kind of guy who must have dropped everything to follow his friend into exile... trusting him and defending him against false charges... i mean...
aiding his revolution and Helping Raise His Kids- it's all for the sake of "well someone needs to talk about dhurke before dhurke becomes part of the story" but it's
so
it just
it makes him seem like SUCH an invested kind of guy?! and he doesn't get any focus at all, which i'm not saying as a critique, but i'm saying it drives me fucking feral apparently
there's just enough detail to make out the vague silhouette of his character, but he's not the main character, and he's not dhurke, so none of it really matters. there's hints. and i have to follow them...!!
he feels like a puzzle i've been working on for Almost Seven Years Now Fucking Hell
because for some reason i feel like there's still things to "figure out" about him. i keep coming back to soj weeks and days and months and years later, rereading transcripts and thinking about him...
how his relationship with dhurke started, what apollo and nahyuta think of him, how he feels about amara, how will little faitah grow up, what would it be like if he adopted armie or ahlbi, does he try to build a friendship with rayfa? is he banned from the wright anything agency pre-emptively? will we see him in aa7? (we won't)
the lizards on a stick.. the apples... the kukri... the scarf.. the goggles.. all of these little things he carries around... his EARRINGS like what's important to him? his whole life. i want to know everything. tellme everythi gn

ex military, huh? why?! which military?! khura'in doesn't have a military so is he a deserter from another country, did he just join a neighboring country for fun, or is khura'in lying about its military presence? did he have political motivations, you know? or was he just a dumb shithead kid who didn't have anything else to do?
if khura'in isn't his home country then why does he have such a loyalty to it? why does he follow dhurke in his dreams of revolution?! he was 23 when It All Happened, and you generally have to be 18 to enlist, right, so there's 5 years..... i mean, he needed to be in the air force long enough to learn how to be a paratrooper, but also out of it long enough to possibly meet dhurke and become fast friends, enough that dhurke would trust him with his kids--
LIKE
IT'S INSANE! THERE'S TOO MUCH! THIS IS ALL FROM SOME RANDOM DETAIL IN ONE PIECE OF EVIDENCE.... "oh he's ex military (which explains why he's a paratrooper.)" and i could go on FOREVER about just that one bit!
Not to mention!!!! this is just about datz himself!! god forbid i let myself even think about dhurkedatz, i'd actually rather jump off a cliff

so
in terms of love letters, this is a terrible love letter. this is a deranged scrabble on a piece of paper about how a side character is holding 80% of my brain hostage
my love of datz led me to having a girlfriend for four years (what the fuck) (we broke up but like, still, what the fuck) and making some great friends that i still have today,
furthered my artistic growth, inspires me to keep improving just so i can Get Better at depicting him...
i learned how to draw humans for him... i learned how to write for him. i also forgot how to write but it can't be helped
i learned how to code a website to create a webshrine for him (that's unfinished because there's TOO MUCH TO WRITE)
and i'm worried that one day i'll learn how to synthesize humans or i'm going to break into capcoms office and Demand They Tell Me The Truth
and theyll be like "what truth are you talking about oh my god" and "i can't speak english what are you saying" and "can you please leave"
this isn't a love letter this is a cry for help

*walking on stage*can anyone hear me. hello. its so cold
Honestly... i just want to make a post so i can preview my page easier. :-)
today was my first day off after my first week (!) of work (!!)... i'm super happy about that.
it's easy work and it pays well. too well honestly... i was listening to my other friend complain about their job...
and i don't want to like, jinx anything, because it's only been one week, but it made me very aware of how lucky i am to have gotten this job. LMAO
it's just cleaning used tech before we resell it. it's fine so far. i think i'm doing a good job?!
you'd think it's self explanatory but i don't have the disposition who worries about my Used Tech having Dust On It
so i'm like. well. it looks fine to ME but i'm not Deranged so who knows.
i guess if i get yelled at then i'll know. 😭

i'll keep setting up dreamwidth...
i've had this account since the great Tumblr Porn Ban of 20somethingorother but
i haven't really used it ever. mostly just to talk to my friend. hi riella o/
but it'd be cool using it more often... maybe... i don't know what exactly i'm hoping for.
coming from the younger circles of fandom is like. i'm familiar with the olds but im like.
can you guys hop on kagurabachi or something?!
most of my attempts at joining slower-paced fandom sites fell through, but that was when i was at my computer 25/8 lol
so maybe now that i'm working full time (?!?!?) it'll work out better for me. maybe!!
Ok im going back to css hell goodby love U