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something happened this weekend...
it's mostly a vent post. i'll readmore it just for the sake of that.
cw for discussion of lolisho (read; porn of underaged characters) and csa/csam (child sexual assault and material)
actually, i'm not sure where to start.. it's just a vent post, itll be nice to speak where literally no one knows the people i'm talking about.
my ex girlfriend (and friend, we were still friends) cut me off because i was defending lolisho. essentially..
and because of that, i lost most of our shared friends- well- it's for the same reason. not bc my ex gf told them to cut me off,
but because we all disagreed on this key thing.
mostly, i think, the argument is... i don't think lolisho is akin to real harm. i don't think lolisho has an impact on csa in real life, and if it does, it's such an insignificant amount that it's not worth wasting your attention on that. i'm very strong on the difference between fiction and reality, and that the actions of real people are the responsibilities of those real people... things like that.
and they generally believe that even though lolisho is fictional, it's csam, or "basically" csam, and that it contributes to the normalization of pedophilia.
it was confusing, but not entirely unexpected. for months, and years, i've been dealing with moral ocd around these sorts of topics, and the general despair of "one day they will Find Out, and i will lose my friend groups with no recourse."
so in a sense i was prepared, but i don't know... i've actually tried to instigate this "Finding Out" myself, once or twice, from other friends. telling them outright, hey, i'm a shotacon, i fw lolisho, i don't believe it's akin to real harm. and...
instead of the lashout, they almost ubiquitously welcomed me back and said "i dont care and i'm not cutting you off over anime porn" lmao
so i guess i kind of forgot that my original fear *was* valid.
but it was confusing because, these friends generally aren't strictly anti-proship, not anymore. we all used to be much more opinionated years ago but have individually come to the conclusion that 90% of the arguments are stupid and it's stupid.
i guess i'm just the only person who went the full 100%...
(NOT the only person lolol i do have, at least, one friend from each group i got cut off from who still agree w me, which is nice.)
we've all had very nuanced discussions about very controversial topics. like.
one of those friends is a big fan of tcoaal (the ?? of andy and leyley, a notorious game focused on the incestuous relationship between two fucked up siblings)
but it's different because *that's* not really pro incest, in fact, it's actually a great deep meta post about how incest is bad and people who are sexualizing it are fools.
...
...
(it's most certainly an incest fetish game that just likes exploring how fucked up relationships can be. because it's fiction. but whatever.)
i think, mostly, i'm hurt about the lack of.. trust....?
ive known these people for almost 8 years and just like that, overnight, theyve decided i really *am* someone who would side with real csa, with predators, who would spend years obsessing over these topics and come to the conclusion that "normalizing cp is good actually"
but i'm the one who betrayed THEIR trust.
i'm the one who needs to confess and out her interests and get isolated and lose everyone.
i'm he one who's "crashing out" and needs to "get therapy" (nevermind that any therapist worth their degree would 100% agree with me) (ALMOST AS IF I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING)
....
i just...
bitterly, i hope they regret this one day
i hope they come around to what i was saying and theyre like, oh, it turns out our old friend might have had some idea what she was talking about all along. it's almost as if she listened to survivors' opinions and understands the psychology of sex and kink, and spent time learning about csa as a whole, what leads people to abuse, how much it has to deal with attraction vs an abuse of power... and came to her conclusion in an informed manner...
wow, i kind of feel bad for how we treated her...
but as a former anti, i like.. know that it probably wont happen.
-_-
so bitterly, instead, i hope they see the hobbies we used to share and just get sad instead lolol
...ahh but it's annoyinggg bc ive been TRYING to drop hints about the way i feel for MONTHS!
ive been posting more loli/sho content where they see it, (not explicit but IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE EXPLICIT..)
ive been very very vocal about defending **ALL** kinks from censorship,
ive been drawing more loli/sho type characters, ive been reading made in abyss, ive all but said outright that im a lolishocon
for the express purpose that i want ppl who are uncomfortable to LEAVE! and these fucking people- not just my ex friends but i had this problem when i had a proper crashout on twt last year-
they seem to silently, mentally append "dont worry, im not talking about lolisho, the most indefensible content in the world!" to everything i say
like. I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when you retweet anticensorship posts theyre INCLUDING LOLISHO!!
when ppl talk about "you cant legislate any art because it is a dangerous tool" THEY MEAN LOLISHO!
when ppl say "you shouldnt ostracize or guilt people for drawing lines" THEY! MEAN! LOLISHO!!
even as an anti, i knew this!! and now that im a filfy proshitter, i know this!!
its fucking maddening how people will just subjectively decide that the One Kink, which is fundamentally no different than feral furry art (art of animals that aren't anthromorphized) is indefensible....
that violent art doesn't drive people to do violence, that enjoying horror movies doesnt make you a serial killer, but if you like made in abyss you must be a ticking time bomb for abusing real children.
but im the one who betrayed their trust, huh.
like. for fucks sake, man...
ill be sad about it for a while, probably,
but i'm not entirely alone. i do have other friends, openly pervert friends, who have stood by me thru all this.
the so-called "dangerous crowd" im riding with, that consists entirely of traumatized leftie artists who want to be cute animals on the internet, huh
its just like. pisses me off. like what are we doing here, man...
as with all things tho, all i can do is move on. and keep creating...
im happier now that ive worked on unlearning all that moral ocd, stopped living in agony tearing myself apart over these hypocrisies..
and id rather be friends with people who want to support that healthy mindset instead of ppl who would assume the worst of me.
im taking custody of the otp in the divorce
it's mostly a vent post. i'll readmore it just for the sake of that.
cw for discussion of lolisho (read; porn of underaged characters) and csa/csam (child sexual assault and material)
actually, i'm not sure where to start.. it's just a vent post, itll be nice to speak where literally no one knows the people i'm talking about.
my ex girlfriend (and friend, we were still friends) cut me off because i was defending lolisho. essentially..
and because of that, i lost most of our shared friends- well- it's for the same reason. not bc my ex gf told them to cut me off,
but because we all disagreed on this key thing.
mostly, i think, the argument is... i don't think lolisho is akin to real harm. i don't think lolisho has an impact on csa in real life, and if it does, it's such an insignificant amount that it's not worth wasting your attention on that. i'm very strong on the difference between fiction and reality, and that the actions of real people are the responsibilities of those real people... things like that.
and they generally believe that even though lolisho is fictional, it's csam, or "basically" csam, and that it contributes to the normalization of pedophilia.
it was confusing, but not entirely unexpected. for months, and years, i've been dealing with moral ocd around these sorts of topics, and the general despair of "one day they will Find Out, and i will lose my friend groups with no recourse."
so in a sense i was prepared, but i don't know... i've actually tried to instigate this "Finding Out" myself, once or twice, from other friends. telling them outright, hey, i'm a shotacon, i fw lolisho, i don't believe it's akin to real harm. and...
instead of the lashout, they almost ubiquitously welcomed me back and said "i dont care and i'm not cutting you off over anime porn" lmao
so i guess i kind of forgot that my original fear *was* valid.
but it was confusing because, these friends generally aren't strictly anti-proship, not anymore. we all used to be much more opinionated years ago but have individually come to the conclusion that 90% of the arguments are stupid and it's stupid.
i guess i'm just the only person who went the full 100%...
(NOT the only person lolol i do have, at least, one friend from each group i got cut off from who still agree w me, which is nice.)
we've all had very nuanced discussions about very controversial topics. like.
one of those friends is a big fan of tcoaal (the ?? of andy and leyley, a notorious game focused on the incestuous relationship between two fucked up siblings)
but it's different because *that's* not really pro incest, in fact, it's actually a great deep meta post about how incest is bad and people who are sexualizing it are fools.
...
...
(it's most certainly an incest fetish game that just likes exploring how fucked up relationships can be. because it's fiction. but whatever.)
i think, mostly, i'm hurt about the lack of.. trust....?
ive known these people for almost 8 years and just like that, overnight, theyve decided i really *am* someone who would side with real csa, with predators, who would spend years obsessing over these topics and come to the conclusion that "normalizing cp is good actually"
but i'm the one who betrayed THEIR trust.
i'm the one who needs to confess and out her interests and get isolated and lose everyone.
i'm he one who's "crashing out" and needs to "get therapy" (nevermind that any therapist worth their degree would 100% agree with me) (ALMOST AS IF I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT OR SOMETHING)
....
i just...
bitterly, i hope they regret this one day
i hope they come around to what i was saying and theyre like, oh, it turns out our old friend might have had some idea what she was talking about all along. it's almost as if she listened to survivors' opinions and understands the psychology of sex and kink, and spent time learning about csa as a whole, what leads people to abuse, how much it has to deal with attraction vs an abuse of power... and came to her conclusion in an informed manner...
wow, i kind of feel bad for how we treated her...
but as a former anti, i like.. know that it probably wont happen.
-_-
so bitterly, instead, i hope they see the hobbies we used to share and just get sad instead lolol
...ahh but it's annoyinggg bc ive been TRYING to drop hints about the way i feel for MONTHS!
ive been posting more loli/sho content where they see it, (not explicit but IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE EXPLICIT..)
ive been very very vocal about defending **ALL** kinks from censorship,
ive been drawing more loli/sho type characters, ive been reading made in abyss, ive all but said outright that im a lolishocon
for the express purpose that i want ppl who are uncomfortable to LEAVE! and these fucking people- not just my ex friends but i had this problem when i had a proper crashout on twt last year-
they seem to silently, mentally append "dont worry, im not talking about lolisho, the most indefensible content in the world!" to everything i say
like. I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when you retweet anticensorship posts theyre INCLUDING LOLISHO!!
when ppl talk about "you cant legislate any art because it is a dangerous tool" THEY MEAN LOLISHO!
when ppl say "you shouldnt ostracize or guilt people for drawing lines" THEY! MEAN! LOLISHO!!
even as an anti, i knew this!! and now that im a filfy proshitter, i know this!!
its fucking maddening how people will just subjectively decide that the One Kink, which is fundamentally no different than feral furry art (art of animals that aren't anthromorphized) is indefensible....
that violent art doesn't drive people to do violence, that enjoying horror movies doesnt make you a serial killer, but if you like made in abyss you must be a ticking time bomb for abusing real children.
but im the one who betrayed their trust, huh.
like. for fucks sake, man...
ill be sad about it for a while, probably,
but i'm not entirely alone. i do have other friends, openly pervert friends, who have stood by me thru all this.
the so-called "dangerous crowd" im riding with, that consists entirely of traumatized leftie artists who want to be cute animals on the internet, huh
its just like. pisses me off. like what are we doing here, man...
as with all things tho, all i can do is move on. and keep creating...
im happier now that ive worked on unlearning all that moral ocd, stopped living in agony tearing myself apart over these hypocrisies..
and id rather be friends with people who want to support that healthy mindset instead of ppl who would assume the worst of me.
tags:
From:
hope you're good!
it's not really about being a moral person as much as it is seeming one, which is why their beliefs seem so inconsistent when you actually give em a hard look.
(i don't know how people go through life with that level of cognitive dissonance LOL... the things people will endure for tepid acceptance!)
anyways, back when my old friendship group kicked me out like yours has, i told myself, "if they were willing to oust me from their ingroup so easily, maybe they were never really my friends at all!!!"... many such cases! it always really hurts, but the grass is greener on the other side :D
when it comes to lolisho, i have no strong feelings towards it in particular. i'd go on, but it'd distract from the point of sending this reply LOL so i'll spare you T_T
all that being said! i have no judgement towards you. like what you want to like. hell knows i have odd interests too, i commiserate with you.
it seems you've found people who understand how you feel. i can only hope that they continue to treat you well :]
stay strong, stranger!